30 Weeks Update!

I was thinking to myself last night, maybe I should of documented my pregnancy like all the other moms. I can't believe it's been 30 weeks already, which means I have less than 10 weeks to meet the next love of my life. It's been super exciting for us both. There are definitely ups and downs where I just feel like crap or become a psycho. Thanks to the other half for putting up with my craziness throughout this pregnancy.

Another exciting news is, we're getting married at City hall. I still feel at shock to address him as my "husband" and just crazy that we're having a baby on the way. There has just been so much events in our lives and we are truly blessed with everything we have.

Baby has been very active throughout the whole pregnancy, which is a good thing. Every time I feel those kicks it just makes me smile inside. There are times where I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I'll lay there for a bit in bed after and feel his little kids. It's like he's assuring me that he's awake with me. The simplest things are the more memorable things ever.

We took our engagement pictures a few weeks ago and our photographer was nice enough to send us 2 photos that he edited so far. I am in love with it! It looks awesome, all the shots that we took, and I can't wait to see the rest. It better be worth it because I was sore for about 3+ days. Hopefully when we get old, I can show our kid(s) the memories we made that day.

Time is flying, which means I need to start planning out the remainder days at work and also do some wedding planning. We sort of gotten our guest list, but still need to narrow down who's coming and who's not.

Until then, I'll try to update more. :)

Almost a year later...

It's been almost a year since I've even blogged, where have all the time went and what the hell I've been doing this whole time huh?

Where do I start? I've been living in California for almost a year now. I am truly blessed and grateful for all the opportunities I've had since I've been here. I am working Full Time at a Corporate office as a System Analyst 2. If you asked me what I wanted to do a year ago, I would have had no idea but given all the opportunities I've had since I've lived here. I am able to expand not only my knowledge, but I was able to build a strong network within a supporting community. Again, I would have never thought I'd be so lucky to be able to provide not only for myself but my future family.

I got engaged to the person I met 5 years ago and we're expecting our first child next year. A lot of people have doubted us, but we never gave up because we knew what we both wanted. We took the time to work things out and I am thankful for everything I have right now. Nothing can be any better than carry the child of the person you love. We are beyond excited and there are many challenges we're going to face throughout the process of providing for our little family. I believe we're both ready and we're going to do everything we can to make sure baby gets what he wants.

It was so intriguing to see and feel that there's a growing baby in your body. They say you'll never understand the pain your mom go through till you actually become a mom yourself, I concur. It hasn't been easy for me, but I am doing everything I can to make sure we have a healthy baby. The doctor said, I am high risk since I am diabetic. It's been a rough journey for me, I have to measure my glucose level 4 times at day and inject 2 insulin a day. One before bedtime and one before breakfast since breakfast sugar level has been high. I'd have to say it's rough, but I am going to push through.

Sometimes, I feel like it's still surreal that there's a little baby growing inside me. A lot of people have asked if I felt its kicks yet. I've felt a lot of things in my belly but I can't differentiate whether those are kicks or just him being a active baby moving around. Nonetheless, I am super excited and blessed to be able to grow a baby inside me and eventually hold him in my arms. There are still so much I have to learn on how to be a good mom and both of us to become a good parent. There isn't good or bad, but I definitely know there is a long learning process. Trial and error right?

Nothing to exciting, but I will try to keep a progress about the pregnancy since that's the highlight in my life right now besides the engagement.

Brand New Me

It's been a little over a month being at my new home and I've been adjusting pretty well. I feel like I've changed as a person. I am a lot more confident in what I have to say and how I want to express myself. I've been engaging and doing everything I could because opportunity only happens so many times. I want to be able to grasp all the options I have and knowing I tried is what really matters to me.

When I say, "Brand New Me," a lot of people may wonder what I mean by that, so let me take some time to elaborate on what I really mean. As I've mentioned in my previous blog, I've been accepted into this amazing program. There is only one thing I feel constantly is "grateful" because I am given the opportunity to enhance my hidden skills I've never knew about and being able to know myself a little more. I used to be someone who never really cared about my appearances, had very bad time management, and was not a very detailed or organized person. I have to say, this program have definitely pushed me over my limits.

I am proud to say, I dress like a professional every single day and I am at least one hour early to make sure I can do some last minute things I haven't completed or need to brush up on. People would say, "Why do you come here so early?" My answer of course would be, "I would rather be early than late." Like, I've mentioned I was a person who never really manged my time wisely, so I was constantly procrastinating (not that I don't do that now, but I am working on it) and not being aware of what needs to be done. I improved by making a list of things I have to do. For example, when I go grocery shopping I will prepare a list of things I need to buy and I try to break things down from needs/wants. 

I am not ashamed to admit, but I lived at home probably all my life. This move was definitely a milestone or biggest change of my life. I've been preparing my own meals and packing my own lunch. We all know when you work in a financial area or district food are higher than normal because business owners tend to overprice their stuff. I can't say I don't go out and eat at all, but I am a lot more considerate in how I spend my money and where I spend my money. Things just aren't the same because I am on my own and I have to take the time to figure out what is necessary and what is now. 

Before, I moved I thought I would never cook and the only thing I would cook is Ramen. The first thing I did when I moved here was going to the supermarket and getting a box of Ramen. I am proud to say that I've only eaten maybe two or three packets in the past month because I've been making food from scratch. It may seem like nothing, but this is a huge accomplishment for me. I look back and reflect what happened the past month I feel like I am different and more stronger as a whole. 

I am cherishing and grasping every opportunity that hits me because things don't come easily. I am working hard and hoping it will pay off in the future. I, myself, know that it will be worth it in the long run. I am ready for some more new changes and what God has in store for me. 

A new home. . .

I found out I was accepted into the program that I applied for. It was nothing more than exciting for me to find out that my hard work paid off.

One of the hardest thing for me was to say bye to my family and friends. They have been there for me unconditionally throughout my journey. I am more than happy to know they will be there whenever I need them. I am feeling so grateful, blessed, and scared. It will be a new change for me, for sure. There are so much things I have to consider such as paying rent, food, and how to live on my own. I never took granted of how my parents provided me with a home but now that I am out on my own I am yet clueless. I am not sure where to start or what I need to do. Again, I am glad I have friends who are willing to share their recipes and experience on being alone.

My feelings right now are scared, worried, and excited in a way. I try not to think about so much into the future. I just want to be able to make it through the month without struggling. I am hoping this journey will open more doors for me in the future. I believe that God has things planned for me. I went through so many different job interviews and haven't heard anything. I had the opportunity to attend a information session and later on I was able to complete the application process. About a week later, I found out I got accepted. I feel like I am living a dream right now.

I try to keep a smile and let others know how excited I am to be able to have this journey. I am afraid to tell them how scared and worried I am. When you don't think too hard about something, you just feel like everything around you is blank. When you really take the time to think deeply about situations like this. Your subconscious emotions hits you in the face. I am really scared of being alone and not having anyone but I know my friends and family will still be there no matter one. I want to prove to them that I will succeed in this program.

To do that, I will try my very best and I will not let myself feel scared or down. I told myself I am going to spread my arms open and accept everything opportunity I have and grasp on everything I can grasp on. I am just hoping that things will work out. I will slowly try to change my habits and slowly adapt to here. Many of my friends have asked me, are you excited? I tell them, more than excited. I know they all want me to succeed and be happy so I will try my best and do what I can. I will not give up so I will do everything I can to achieve my short-term and long-term goals.

For now, this will have to end. Orientation starts next week. I can't wait to meet new people. Today, when I was at the airport I met about 3 random person that I have no clue who they were but I was able to communicate with them and got to know them a little more. They don't know me but they congratulated me anyways when I told them this will be my new hometown. I am loving each and every bit of life right now because God has plans for me so I am ready to take this road.

A new journey. . .

I cannot express how excited I am right now but at the same time I am scared. I read my last post and it was all about graduating and finish. I walked on stage and walked down the aisle. I feel like it happened so fast because it gives me the illusion that it was all a dream. I cannot express how grateful I am at this point with all the support I've been getting from family, friends, and my bf. They've been through all my roller coaster rides through school or life. God really does amazing work. I never thought I would graduate, move to a new place, or finding what I want to do later on.  

Again, I can't express how thankful I am for everything I've been through. Today, the day I found out that I am accepted into this program that I've been looking at for a long time. I finally told myself I would apply, so I went through the application process and the interview. They told me I would hear from them Tuesday, but oh boy I've been thinking so much about it I have been dreaming about it too! It's crazy! I woke up not thinking much about getting a phone call and BAM. The good news came, they congratulated me and I immediately jumped out of my bed! I believe without the push from family, friends, and Bf. I would be no where near where I am today. 

I will be starting a brand new chapter in my life with the person I love and the people around me. It will be hard to just settle and adapt but I know within time I will be like a "local." There will be a lot of different changes, but I know God will be watching me and guiding me like he's been doing. I haven't taken public transportation ever since I got mugged. I fully believe that God is there shielding me so there is nothing for me to worry. I shall take the path that's there and go from there. It was pretty traumatizing at first, but I think I've taken a closer step to overcoming my fear of public trans. It hasn't been easy, but I've been taking steps little by little. 

No one will understand or feel the pain I went through, but I know when I took that first step back on the bus/train I immediately knew it was going to be a brand new start. I know there may not always be a perfect picture and there will be obstacles. I made the decision to apply for the program and to begin this amazing journey that I am looking forward to. There may be a few that may not agree with my decision but there are sacrifices I need to make in life. Hopefully I'll be blogging more about this journey so I can look back later on and reflect on what I did or hopefully someone will find this useful. 

Almost a year later...

The last time I've blogged on here was almost a year ago; I can't believe how time flew by so fast, and now it's gonna be half a year already. 

In less than 2 months, I will be walking down the graduation aisle and I would only have one more term left to finish up my associates degree in General Studies. I would ask myself, What am I going to do with my Bachelors degree? Honestly, I have no clue what I wanted to do. I managed to keep signing myself up with classes that keeps linking to some sorta Medical Field. Indeed, it's very interesting and I learned a lot more. I have to at first it was very hard to get used to having to always study and cram non stop with all these things to memorized. I've managed to adapt and overcome that stage.

Right now, I only have two terms left. I am taking two Psychology classes but I have to say it's definitely time consuming and a lot of reading. Also, taking a Business law class where I find it to be interesting but then again.. it's been awhile since I've taking anything outside the medical classes. This class requires a lot of opinions and facts, which is kinda challenging at times. I would read others people post and look at my own.. it just makes me feel useless or not qualified or even make any sense. I am trying my best to do what I can, i just keep telling myself only two more terms, and I know I can do it if I set my mind to it. 

I have about two - three months more to decide when I want to move because I know where I am currently at won't give me much opportunity. I am ready to go out there, explore, view things differently, and feel independent. I am definitely going to miss family, friends, and just being alone. Right now, I am trusting that God will guide me through and and show me the right path. I know there will be bumps here and there, but I know I will make the right choice eventually. 

I still cannot believe that I will be done with college. I should feel proud of myself, but then again a lot of my friends are already finishing grad school and starting up their career in the field they pursued. I know some day I will get there because everyone has their own place of doing things. 

Lately, I've been going through different phases. I can't control why I am doing that but it gives some some of self satisfaction at times, but then again there are times where I just break down and can't take it anymore. Like a lot of people say, I need to learn how to let it go or just get over it. It's really easier said than done, but I am trying my best to forget all it ever happened. I realized how someone can just play it off and pretend things never happened. That's fine with me because I know the truth deep down. Everyone can say whatever they want their because I now the truth deep down. You won't always get the truth from someone else even thought you're telling the truth. 

"Life shouldn't be like a theater where you have to act or pretend to be something or someone you're not. Be yourself, express yourself, and enjoy being who you really are."

Rants

I am lacking some because things hasn't been going the way I would want it to be. I feel it's so much easier to type than to express myself in person. I think it's a big problem. Lately, I feel like I haven't been as productive as I should be. I have no clue why but I am just feeling soo bleh. I mean it's life. All I've been doing lately is working 7 days a week non-stop. This week is I am off for about four days because it's been slow but it makes me feel like that is not the reason. I feel like there's so much more behind it.

I've been thinking a lot lately and how I can approach things differently because once things are set it's gonna marked. Right now, I am just trying to mend stuff that I broke or made a dent.

Blah, I have no clue what I even want to say.

Obligated?

I am not obligated to do my job, if I don't want to. Stop making me feel like I am "obligated" to do this because of this or that. I have a choice. I am old enough to make my own choices, tyvm so please stop making it seem like I have to confirm things with my mom. Just because I am still living with them doesn't mean I don't put out for them. If you only see or hear one side of the story, please do not assume. The last thing I need it for you to assume this or that. Please know I am not OBLIGATED to do this job.

The only thing holding me back is "guilt." I will give it another month, if this keeps stressing me out I will put an end to it. It will benefit me in many ways, probably not for you because at this point I really dont know. I put up with you enough, so I dont care what you say anymore. I kindly asked for help, but you didn't bother to help me. When I dont need help, you'll come asking me if I do? What is the point? Are you trying to make me feel stupid? I know what is right or wrong. It would be nice if you know there is a wall between us.

I don't feel the need to answer you, if I dont have to.

Enough of this vent, continue another day.

Updates.

Yes, where are they? I kinda forgot about this blog for a bit. I remember how I used to get on here just to read people's updates and stuff. Now, I feel like I've abandoned you. I am sorry, I am coming back to this blog-o world soon.

There's a lot in my mind, life, and etc. Also, there's a lot I want to say but it'll take time to decide what is first and what is not. Meanwhile, I promise I would update you more. I know I've said this a lot, but looking back and thinking how fast time flew. The only way to capture and remember all the times and things is to blog about it.

Toodles, update you later. :)

wow

I am blogging on my phone. This is so wierd...

To e continue...

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Here we go again..

Honestly, I don't know what my body wants anymore. I don't know how much more I can take; I feel like things aren't working out for me this year. There's a lot of stuff that already happened, but I try not to look too hard into it because everyone tells me things will be better. Lately, I've been feeling not so myself. I am having a hard time sleeping. I don't even know why, I've been doing a really good job keeping myself busy. I've sc'd a lot less the past few days because I've been hooked on watching gossip girls. I am slowly trying my best to just get through these few months.

I don't know when I willl collapse, but I have a sense it will be soon. I have no one to go to talk about my problems because we all have problems and I would hate to burden anyone. Feelings have been so different lately, I feel like we don't talk as much as we used to anymore... is it cause it's been so long? I feel horrible and I hate myself at times, but I am trying my best to do what I can now. I am scared to find out what will happen and I am worried. I feel like I am driving through a long road that's dark and once in a while there might be a light.

I just don't know waht I can do but to vent. . . anyone...

DROPPED!

I dropped my health class, so this term I am taking it off to think about stuff that needs to be thought about. Also, it'll give me time to plan and decided about what things will be like. Hopefully I'll get more hours at work, so I can save up some money for my move. My car getting towed...totally raped me in the ass.

I went back the other day with mom and brother, this time my brother parked the car in the correct spot and he was able to witness how many silly people made the same mistake I did. Luckily, one lady came out on time and got her car not towed but unfortunately she had to pay $100. In that case, $100 is way better then $300 right? Of course.

I have nothing to do except play games, I need to get some cleaning and reading done. I feel like I have so much time on my hands and they are not used wisely. Time to make use of my working hands. Easier said than done. I did pretty good posting everyday UNTIL yesterday I totally forgot about it. :)

Until next time. . .

Towed.

I walked out of the office and I was looking for my car. I asked my mom, where my car is? I was like it probably got towed. Then I went in to the office next door and asked, apparently the asshole was sitting outside waiting for me to go in so he can come tow my car. Just cause it's a luxurious car doesn't mean we're made out of gold. The title says it, my car got towed. How did I feel? I felt really raged and hurt. It cost me 300.25 cents to get my car back. That means the month of December working, it all went at once. I just got paid yesterday and today I have to pay for tow asshole. It's so frustrating. I asked that asshole, what about those people parking at the same spot? I find it so unfair, I feel like this year is turning against me.

I just turned 21 and there's so much I already been through from being robbed, hit by another car, and etc. There's only so much I can take, how am I going to survive my older years? I don't even know if I can make it. I told my mom I might die from a heart attack at a young age if things keep coming up at me like this. All that hard work meant nothing since it was all taken away. I feel insomniac is hitting me once again. I am trying to escape my little work and run to another but that's not working because eventually I'll have accept reality.

I really doubted myself, I thought starting a new year would be like a new start but nope I feel like the worst just started for me. It's been 4 days and so much stuff happened to me already I can't even sum it all up at once. Yes, I feel like it's just that much. I don't know what to do, God please enlighten me. I am trying my best to do what I can but I just don't know if I am going through the right directions. I made a mistake, and I know it won't happen again. I've done a lot to make it up, why is all this stuff still happening? :(

Yay

Look who's updating again? It's my 2nd day of the year, well I worked all day and now I am eating some food I bought from work. It wasn't too busy today but I did get a mini rush every now and then. The most interesting thing of the day was, I had a customer who told me experiences and stories about her past. I found it very fascinating for me to hear because it's something I've never been through or i'll never hear unless it's coming from an elderly person. She's so awesome, every time I see her she's always reading a new book. I noticed she comes in every sunday when I am working and now I am slowly getting to know her better. what sucks is that soon i'll move and I wont be able to talk to her anymore.

This lady has been through so much and I love hearing what she has to say...awesome day kinda! ;)

Relief

Happy New Year, whoever reads this. It's 2011, I honestly can't believe how time flew. I feel like I haven't done much in 2010, so hopefully 2011 I can make a big change. I have a lot of things to plan and a lot to get down. I had a long talk with my boss today and we discussed some stuff about work. I feel a lot better to get that out of my system. Now that we had that talk, I feel really guilty about quitting the job later on when I need to. I mean I don't want stay here forever and just be a bum or w/e you want to call it.

There are just some choices that we all need to make in life, as for me, I think I already made some and it's time to actually do it. I am tired of just saying it over and over again and it never happened. Tired of people's broken promise, I don't need it so go away! I am tired of putting out my whole heart and in return it's all shattered in pieces. I am sorry, that was 2010. It's a new year, so I want a new start and everything. WOAH, that was a lot of bitching again.

Oh, the year started AWWFULLY horrible. I drove to work not knowing I had a flat until a very nice customer told me. I was like SHIT, so I called up my brother and told him. Thanks to my boss he helped me pumped some air int he cold. I felt so bad, but it was really nice of him to do that for me. I feel very fortunate to have good people around me. Also, I will cherish everything and try to blog more.

I promise I will try to write more everyday or even every other day ot keep track of what goes on this year. I know this year...I have a lot ahead of me, and I can't wait to start it. :)

Sick

Not physically; just mentally SICK!

Warning: Be prepared for some whining and bitching about everything.

First of all, I am on winter break right now. All I do is work and do shit for my family, I feel like I am going to explode any time soon. I thought being in school was painful, but NOPE I feel more stressed right now then I was in school. I feel that the only thing that's causing me stress is my family. All I hear is then bitching and complaining and telling me to do this and that. In the end, sometimes it's just not appreciated. I feel like I am losing sleep and lacking memory from all this. I don't know how much longer I can take, but if I had a choice to leave right now I think I would just walk out and never come back.

As cruel as this sound, I think I'll be doing my mind, body, and self a favor. All these years, I feel like I've been slaving. After all, I know they are my parents and all but I am human. A human with two hands and two foot. One can only do so much, please stop telling me to do this and that. Just because I know how to do it or I can do it doesn't mean I will sit here 24/7 just for you and then later on have you come bitching at me about it. I am tired, I work almost 20 hours on the weekend and I still get yelled at for sleeping in just a little bit.

Well, I am sorry for not meeting your criteria maybe you should find someone else who will do all this for you. I am starting to that they feel that I "HAVE" to do it because it's my job. Well NO, excuse me. Why don't you find other peoples kids and see if they do all this crap for their family? The answer would most likely be..NO. I've given up so much and yet you feel like it's not enough. I suggested and even talked about it instead of telling you last minute that I will leave.

Come on now, I am old enough to make my choice. I don't have to make sure you approve anymore. . . I am pretty sure I will survive on my own, but you keep doubting that I won't. I am sick of you making me do this and that. I am tired of all the stress you put me through...for Christmas this year...I want you to leave me alone, so I can have some alone time.

Thanks, may my wishes come true.

Updates? I lack them.

It's been a month since I've updated. Oh boy, the past month has been like a roller coaster ride for me. It was also my birthday, YAY!? Yes, I had one of the best birthdays because of course my boyfriend came to spend time with me. He arrived 2 days before my birthday, I have to say; I had the best time in my life. Hehe, don't think so bad now, but yeah. I feel like we've bonded a lot better than we did and I feel that things are a lot stronger than before. Not giving up because this has been 3 years already believe it or not. Yes, we've gone a long way to what we have right now. I am not complain, might be bragging just a little too much.

Also, some friends from another state came to visit and we had a good time since my bf was here. They were able to meet each other and also I got to meet two new people. I feel very lucky and fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life right now. I feel blessed for all the people who stood by my side and never gave up on me. A lot of times where I just thought I couldn't do it, you guys were always by my side. I had a month to think about what has been going on in my life.

I went to talk to my MA teacher today; I feel like she made me change mentally, just by hearing what she had to say. She pointed out a lot of goods and bads; I feel very fortunate to have someone tell me the truth and be there to help me. I will no longer look back at what I did wrong but I will be looking forward to what I can change and improve mentally and physically. It's almost the end of the month and BAM there goes another year.

I am ready to start fresh, I have 3 weeks off and I want to just relax. Get everything off my mind. Stress; good bye. Hello; new life. Easier said than done, but I am trying my best. I keep telling myself this, but never really pushed myself hard enough to do it. I am doing it now. I am not doing this for anyone because this will only benefit myself. Call me selfish or whatever, but ME ME ME is all about ME.

In order to love someone, you have to learn how to love yourself. . . :)

Feelings.

I am a girl and I have feelings too okay? I mean it really doesn't take much to make me cry, what really hurts the most is the feeling of being betrayed. I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like everything I do means nothing because in the end I'll just be standing, sitting or just venting here alone. I try to be a stronger person, but I just can't fight my feelings because I am weak and they are much stronger. I'll never be able to overcome it.

My feelings will be so attached to something and if you move or touch it I'll really feel it. It's that sensitive okay? I keep telling people but I guess they just dont believe me. I have times when I am serious and just times where I'll just joke around with you with no limits. I mean some things are just meant ot be hidden; I understand. To really fuck around withe my emotions and tell me later. That's the worst feeling ever, I feel like the world has betrayed me.

Everything I do means NOTHING. I try my best to hide my feelings but I just can't win it. I say what I feel and do what I feel, I don't hold back anything. This is really hard, maybe I need to limit to what I say because sometimes people just don't understand this. I am tired of always being there and not having anyone be there when I need. Everything seems like a joke, really?

Please tell me I am wrong. . .

Please. . .

God, give me some motivation. Lately, I feel like things just aren't going the way I want to. I feel really overwhelmed with all the stuff that's going on in my life right now. I don't even know where to start and my only escape is ...I am trying my best to overcome it, but I just can't. I feel weak, please give me some strength. I know I am stronger than this, I shouldn't let this get to me. I need to try my best.

The term is coming to an end, was getting a part time job really a good thing? I feel like I can't get anything done. My time isn't used efficiently and insomnia is kicking in again. Please tell me what I am suppose to do or guide me through. I know there is a path set for me already, but I just don't know how to walk through it right now. I know that no one will hold my hand through this; I must make it through myself.

I am trying to put a limit, but I am just lacking that motivation. Stress, worry, and everything else is messing me up mentally. I feel like I am going to collapse any minute; time is doing no justice. Is this what is really going to happy? Please guide me through and give me some motivation. . .

Thoughts. . .

This thought keeps running through my head and it keeps leading me to questioning myself. Do I really like this program and is this what I really want to do? I am still indecisive. I know in less than a month I will be done with my first term of this program. 1) I have not found my observation site because last time I tried I never got a phone call back. 2) I found another place but I just haven't called. 3) I don't really like the teacher but what can you do if that's the only choice you have.

I just don't know; this program and all the classes with it is really stressing me out to the max. I know now that I have a better understand of a lot of the Medical terms and etc. The thing is I have to be like 100% correct all the time especially with my spellings because one missing letter or misspelling will mess up the whole word. Also, I am really sick of my parents telling me this and that. I am doing full time out of my own expense, and they want me to find a job so I did. Now I realize I need to manage my time because I only have weekday to study.

I don't get enough sleep and I am always tired which leads me to missing some classes. I get sick, but I still go. I am trying my best to get through this program, but I don't even know if I can do this for the next 2 years. I already wasted 2 years; I know I can't waste anymore, I just don't know where my motivation went. Honestly, I was really excited about it. Now, I just feel like anyone else. S.S.D.D(Same Shit Different Day). I feel really overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start. My list of rant can go on and on, I can probably type about it until my hands say NO MORE.

The thing is, I knew what was coming, but I am just lacking some motivation. I really wished I had someone or a sibling who can help me study. I just really need someone that can push me and motivate me to be a better person. With all the negative comments I've been getting. I don't even know how much longer I can push back. I am not trying to be like bragging or nagging about my life because I know there are many other who's having it worst. Right now, I just don't know what to do anymore. I do stuff to keep me from thinking about reality, but we live in it so it's hard to just be away for a long time.

God, please tell me what I am suppose to do. Should I leave the program and do something I am happy with? Or is this program really for me? Will I be able to achieve my goals? I am not sure either. . . Please tell me what to do. . . I only want an answer, guide me through. I will try my best to overcome these obstacles.