Sick

Not physically; just mentally SICK!

Warning: Be prepared for some whining and bitching about everything.

First of all, I am on winter break right now. All I do is work and do shit for my family, I feel like I am going to explode any time soon. I thought being in school was painful, but NOPE I feel more stressed right now then I was in school. I feel that the only thing that's causing me stress is my family. All I hear is then bitching and complaining and telling me to do this and that. In the end, sometimes it's just not appreciated. I feel like I am losing sleep and lacking memory from all this. I don't know how much longer I can take, but if I had a choice to leave right now I think I would just walk out and never come back.

As cruel as this sound, I think I'll be doing my mind, body, and self a favor. All these years, I feel like I've been slaving. After all, I know they are my parents and all but I am human. A human with two hands and two foot. One can only do so much, please stop telling me to do this and that. Just because I know how to do it or I can do it doesn't mean I will sit here 24/7 just for you and then later on have you come bitching at me about it. I am tired, I work almost 20 hours on the weekend and I still get yelled at for sleeping in just a little bit.

Well, I am sorry for not meeting your criteria maybe you should find someone else who will do all this for you. I am starting to that they feel that I "HAVE" to do it because it's my job. Well NO, excuse me. Why don't you find other peoples kids and see if they do all this crap for their family? The answer would most likely be..NO. I've given up so much and yet you feel like it's not enough. I suggested and even talked about it instead of telling you last minute that I will leave.

Come on now, I am old enough to make my choice. I don't have to make sure you approve anymore. . . I am pretty sure I will survive on my own, but you keep doubting that I won't. I am sick of you making me do this and that. I am tired of all the stress you put me through...for Christmas this year...I want you to leave me alone, so I can have some alone time.

Thanks, may my wishes come true.

Updates? I lack them.

It's been a month since I've updated. Oh boy, the past month has been like a roller coaster ride for me. It was also my birthday, YAY!? Yes, I had one of the best birthdays because of course my boyfriend came to spend time with me. He arrived 2 days before my birthday, I have to say; I had the best time in my life. Hehe, don't think so bad now, but yeah. I feel like we've bonded a lot better than we did and I feel that things are a lot stronger than before. Not giving up because this has been 3 years already believe it or not. Yes, we've gone a long way to what we have right now. I am not complain, might be bragging just a little too much.

Also, some friends from another state came to visit and we had a good time since my bf was here. They were able to meet each other and also I got to meet two new people. I feel very lucky and fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life right now. I feel blessed for all the people who stood by my side and never gave up on me. A lot of times where I just thought I couldn't do it, you guys were always by my side. I had a month to think about what has been going on in my life.

I went to talk to my MA teacher today; I feel like she made me change mentally, just by hearing what she had to say. She pointed out a lot of goods and bads; I feel very fortunate to have someone tell me the truth and be there to help me. I will no longer look back at what I did wrong but I will be looking forward to what I can change and improve mentally and physically. It's almost the end of the month and BAM there goes another year.

I am ready to start fresh, I have 3 weeks off and I want to just relax. Get everything off my mind. Stress; good bye. Hello; new life. Easier said than done, but I am trying my best. I keep telling myself this, but never really pushed myself hard enough to do it. I am doing it now. I am not doing this for anyone because this will only benefit myself. Call me selfish or whatever, but ME ME ME is all about ME.

In order to love someone, you have to learn how to love yourself. . . :)

Feelings.

I am a girl and I have feelings too okay? I mean it really doesn't take much to make me cry, what really hurts the most is the feeling of being betrayed. I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like everything I do means nothing because in the end I'll just be standing, sitting or just venting here alone. I try to be a stronger person, but I just can't fight my feelings because I am weak and they are much stronger. I'll never be able to overcome it.

My feelings will be so attached to something and if you move or touch it I'll really feel it. It's that sensitive okay? I keep telling people but I guess they just dont believe me. I have times when I am serious and just times where I'll just joke around with you with no limits. I mean some things are just meant ot be hidden; I understand. To really fuck around withe my emotions and tell me later. That's the worst feeling ever, I feel like the world has betrayed me.

Everything I do means NOTHING. I try my best to hide my feelings but I just can't win it. I say what I feel and do what I feel, I don't hold back anything. This is really hard, maybe I need to limit to what I say because sometimes people just don't understand this. I am tired of always being there and not having anyone be there when I need. Everything seems like a joke, really?

Please tell me I am wrong. . .

Please. . .

God, give me some motivation. Lately, I feel like things just aren't going the way I want to. I feel really overwhelmed with all the stuff that's going on in my life right now. I don't even know where to start and my only escape is ...I am trying my best to overcome it, but I just can't. I feel weak, please give me some strength. I know I am stronger than this, I shouldn't let this get to me. I need to try my best.

The term is coming to an end, was getting a part time job really a good thing? I feel like I can't get anything done. My time isn't used efficiently and insomnia is kicking in again. Please tell me what I am suppose to do or guide me through. I know there is a path set for me already, but I just don't know how to walk through it right now. I know that no one will hold my hand through this; I must make it through myself.

I am trying to put a limit, but I am just lacking that motivation. Stress, worry, and everything else is messing me up mentally. I feel like I am going to collapse any minute; time is doing no justice. Is this what is really going to happy? Please guide me through and give me some motivation. . .

Thoughts. . .

This thought keeps running through my head and it keeps leading me to questioning myself. Do I really like this program and is this what I really want to do? I am still indecisive. I know in less than a month I will be done with my first term of this program. 1) I have not found my observation site because last time I tried I never got a phone call back. 2) I found another place but I just haven't called. 3) I don't really like the teacher but what can you do if that's the only choice you have.

I just don't know; this program and all the classes with it is really stressing me out to the max. I know now that I have a better understand of a lot of the Medical terms and etc. The thing is I have to be like 100% correct all the time especially with my spellings because one missing letter or misspelling will mess up the whole word. Also, I am really sick of my parents telling me this and that. I am doing full time out of my own expense, and they want me to find a job so I did. Now I realize I need to manage my time because I only have weekday to study.

I don't get enough sleep and I am always tired which leads me to missing some classes. I get sick, but I still go. I am trying my best to get through this program, but I don't even know if I can do this for the next 2 years. I already wasted 2 years; I know I can't waste anymore, I just don't know where my motivation went. Honestly, I was really excited about it. Now, I just feel like anyone else. S.S.D.D(Same Shit Different Day). I feel really overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start. My list of rant can go on and on, I can probably type about it until my hands say NO MORE.

The thing is, I knew what was coming, but I am just lacking some motivation. I really wished I had someone or a sibling who can help me study. I just really need someone that can push me and motivate me to be a better person. With all the negative comments I've been getting. I don't even know how much longer I can push back. I am not trying to be like bragging or nagging about my life because I know there are many other who's having it worst. Right now, I just don't know what to do anymore. I do stuff to keep me from thinking about reality, but we live in it so it's hard to just be away for a long time.

God, please tell me what I am suppose to do. Should I leave the program and do something I am happy with? Or is this program really for me? Will I be able to achieve my goals? I am not sure either. . . Please tell me what to do. . . I only want an answer, guide me through. I will try my best to overcome these obstacles.

Up, up, and away. .

I am so happy to finally be back on track from being sick for a whole week. Oh boy, I can for sure tell you how much fun it was not. I was not able to do anything, i couldn't even concentrate, also it was really hard for me to study and actually retain the information. What really sucked was, I had 2 exams last week. One which I did horrible on and the other, I have no clue but I probably know I did bad. It's time for me to step up my game and get back on track. Time is going by faster than I can blink at the moment.

Everyone's been asking me if I am excited for my birthday. . . I say no because that means the term comes to an end. It's like WHAT? I think this term just started not long ago. I already know there was no time for me to slack of. I need to make use of all the time. Procrastination will always win you over; I should know that by now. I am probably like a professional procrastinator. Time to get my game back on, yes by that I mean life. Not no Facebook or Sc2.

I need to be more dedicated in what I do because I chose this field. It's really too late to say screw it. I barely made through this first term, how the hell do I expect myself to go through the whole program. I keep telling myself "Medical school students have it 1000x worst than what I am going through right now." Apparently, my mind is not retaining what I say. I am ready to give up something so I can improvise with what I have.

I need to find a study partner, sleep early, spend more time studying, and reading about stuff that SCHOOL related.

That's all for now, time to cram for my "bone" test tmr. :(

Weekly exams, oh joy!

I went through my syllabus for all of my classes to see the schedules for the whole term, like when will I have test and etc. Also, I talked to my Human Development teacher and she said we're allowed to use "8 1/2 by 11" paper front and back for our notes. I asked around to make sure it's printer paper because it just sounded way too good to be true, so right now I feel kind of good about this exam. You don't even want to know how much I can fit into a 8 1/2 by 11 paper. It's going to be so awesome, since I have a study guide to go along with it. I will just need to write all the stuff I need to know from study guide into my paper, then transfer the rest into my head. The lecture classes I've taken before only allowed me to use a index card, probably the smallest size.

It feels good to know that I'll do good on one exam because there's only four in this class. On another note, my first Anatomy and Physiology lecture exam is this week also. I am kind of iffy about it, even though I've taken this class before but I still need to go over the study guides and the notes to make sure I have a better understand because NO NOTE CARDS/AID. That' sucks, but I will try my best to do really good on this exam because I want to pass and excel to the next level next term. Also, I want to be able to have a nice sparkling GPA. I mean, who doesn't?

My other two exams; nothing new, it happens every week. Medical Terminology and my MA class, those are the reoccurring exams that I get weekly. I try my best to study them and try to remember most of the Med Term. I did pretty good on my first exam, but I made some silly mistake at the end, which resulted in a few point lost. I need to make sure I triple check instead of double check but then it's really hard sometimes when you're in a test taking more. I feel anxious and nervous; praying I'll remember what I studied for. There is two parts to my Med Term exam: one fill in the blank (spelling has to be precise) and Multiple choice. It's usually about 100 questions. I look forward to Multiple choice because there's always that 50/50 chance.

I feel that I am doing a lot better when exam taking because I study and know what the concepts are, so it's not hard to pick out which one is the correct answer. Also, I learn to watch out for the spelling errors he tries to mix with the answers. In any Med Field, spelling is very important so everything has to be perfect because in many cases one letter can make a difference in a word.

My MA class is about four hours long, like WOAH!! Yeah I know, and there is nothing I can do about it. It can be frustrating for me sometimes because the teacher can go from being jolly, moody, or just strict. Everyone has been warned and beware of her mood changes. I hope I'll make it through safely. The exam I took last week, I think I did okay, but I want to know I did great because it's the feeling of accomplishments. My goal this month is to go find an observation site, so I can finish this report. A few of my classmates has already finished theirs and it was really interesting to hear about their day observing a MA. I can't wait till I get mines done, then I will really know if I will enjoy the profession I picked out.

This was sure a LONG update; it's my fault for lacking so much. That pretty much sums up my week(s) because it's reoccurring like I've mentioned before. My birthday is coming, but I am not ready for it because that means term is coming to a end and midterms and finals are calling my name. That's it for now. . .

It indeed was pretty long, but it should make up for the lack of days I haven't blogged because I've been busy studying. . .

Studying

Anyone have a good tip to study? I can't seem to concentrate when I am at home because of all the stuff I can do. Like, when I am at the library or out at public locations to study. I do pretty darn well concentrating and getting work done. It's just the fact that I am at home in front of the computer and with all these distractions, I find it the hardest for me to study. I think it's more like a personal problem. I really need to find a way to overcome this. . .

I have almost 2-4 exams per week. That's horrible in my case because it's really not easy at all. No one ever said this was easy; I really thought I was ready but sometimes I just feel like I am going to break down and collapse. It's stressing me out, which I shouldn't be stressing because I need to be able to control my emotions or stress. I know I am a worry wart and there is nothing I can do about it. My mind is controlling my moves, not me. I try to do my best to win, but I am always the one getting beat down with thoughts.

Battle lost, and it goes on and on. . .

I don't even know where to start, now that I have a car. I've been doing a pretty darn good job able driving to places so I can study. It really helps because the environment can really make a huge difference. I really gotta go back to my studying; I will try to update later on or tomorrow, since I know I've been lacking my updates.

It's the stress, so I blame it. . .

Yay?

It's been 3 weeks of school, so this week I have 4 exams. Yes, FOUR, f-o-u-r, number 4, and 4! I kid you not, it's going to be one hell of a week for me. I've been so busy this weekend because I finally have a car, so that means I will be spending more time studying at the library in school. I won't have to worry about being home at a certain time or waiting for a car. No more waking up early to drop my parents off or picking my parents up. I am so glad that's over. . . for now.

Almost 2 months till I finally get older, but then that just means that school is going to be over. Time is flying by so fast; studying sure takes up a whole chunk of my time. I am not complaining, but I've been trying to develop better study habits. I am working on it because I know before I know it midterm are going to come my way.

I guess this is good and bad news, but then I just have to suck it up and say this is life. I chose this and I will live with what I choose. Also, I need to find an observation site for my MA program. I have not even started looking with all the overwhelming things that's been going on in my life.

I am still making flashcards, YES. I know I am a tree killer, but it's going to a good cause. It will help me studying and get a good grade. It will assure me that I'll pass and when I have a good later on I will give back to the community. See, how that all works out? :)

Enough of an update; back to studying and cramming. The beauty of college, I'll have to say. <3

Beauty of school

What happened to environmental friendly? Theses classes are making me kill so many trees. I bet by the end of the term I'll probably killed half a forest, if it's not a whole. As you see in the picture, this is what I've been doing all this time since I've been lacking up updates. Yes, I've been making flash cards for my Medical Terminology class. I didn't spend hours making it, but I did take frequent breaks.

I put the sticky notes, so I know which are which since there's 3 different kinds of vocabulary. Yikes, my test is tomorrow and for once I feel like I'll do good because I made the initiative to make flash cards and also find alternative ways to make studying better. As you know, many of us would not spend hours studying or just being focus. At least for me, I get really distracted and I'll end up forgetting that I have to study. I just do this for about 30 minutes, take a break, and then eat some snack or just browse the web.

I mean come on look at all that flashcards; it's actually a lot to remember if you ask me. I managed to remember 2 sections of it. (Yay!) Week 1 of school is finished; ready for more class. I just realized in less than 2 months I'll be legal, by that means I'll officially be an adult.

I am kinda of excited because I get to see BF, who's coming to spend my Birthday and Thanksgiving again. It'll be fun because we might have more visitors. I hope things will work its way out. I probably won't be partying much because it's near the end of the term, so I will have the BF help me study and review the stuff with me.

I mean come on...what else can you use guys for? Either to fix stuff, or just to keep you company right? I feel kind of lucky because this one will do everything. Ladies, go find your own and back off mine. Thanks.

Workload

My full-time job at the moment is being a full time student. Yes, that can be very overwhelming. At least, that's how I feel. I looked at the syllabus last night before my first MA class; I was so freaked out and worried, but today when we were in class the teacher told us what the stuff were and that's less stressful. I am still paranoid about this whole "Medical Field" thing. I never really thought I would actually do it. I remember growing up I had so many options in mind. From being a laywer, teacher, and even a doctor. It has just never occurred to me until now that I actually want to be in the Medical field to be a MA. I am in the program and I am really exciting because I know I'll have a stable job and a settled income.

The hardest struggle I have right now is that I was never really exposed to the medical field, which can be very challenging for me. With all those medical terms I have to learn and memorize; makes it even harder for me sometimes. I am bilingual and I am pretty proud; being able to live in two different cultures makes me feel special, but then it's really hard to adapt/live in both. Lifestyles are lifestyles...it takes a while to change. I've been in the US for so long, so I guess I can say I am more Americanized in some ways. I actually still can't believe that in 1 year or 2 I'll be working as a MA in the field. I am still deciding if I want to go back to school after I am done with the program.

Today in class, we had to give a little self introduction about why we chose this program? I was startled because I didn't realize how many of us had the same path we're going through. Many of the classmates are in the program because it's easy to get into, it'll add points to your nursing, and also a pathway to some other career. Whatever it is, we all have to start somehow right? I am looking forward to making new friends; makes me feel anxious. It's like woah me make friends? That surprising because it's been so long...Lol

Until next time; gotta gets some sleep for my morning morning class. Good bye for now; readers, viewers, or whoever you are. ;)

Class

I don't know what people are saying on "ratemyprofessor.com." They all say good teachers are bad, but then bad teachers are good. Like seriously, think before you really say something. My last anatomy teacher had good feedback, but then he was horrible. He thought he knew he was the best but then he didn't really make sense. My new anatomy teacher is awesome; she's got a sense of humor, very explaining, and very helpful. I will need to make a time to stop by the office so I can get a more detailed idea. I guess so far so good.

It's time to end all the gaming; it's going to come to an conclusion.

Until next time again. . .

First day...

It was not as bad as I thought. I was really confused because of the class, since there was a Rm___A and RM____B. I was like wth, which one am I suppose to go to? I had one lady ask me if I was waiting for writing class and a few other questions. The teacher is younger than I thought; he has a sense of humor and always he's pretty "okay" looking. I already have so much work loaded on to me because I have a test next week. First test, Yikes*. I am so not ready because supposedly the book I got is the wrong edition compared to the one they use now. That means, 80 bucks!

The beauty of college. <3

I still need to get scrubs, shoes, and my badge. There is so much to do and yet so little time. Time to start working on some other stuff from classes that hasn't even started.

Until next time readers...:0

Keep dreaming. . .

Class starts this week for me; only down fall is that I have a night class. No I am not going to post or tell you what day I am and what time I'll be there. I wish I had someone to walk me to/from class. If only the boyfriend was closer; he can pick me up or sit in the library and read a book. I am not looking forward to this class.

1. The teacher is not on ratemyprofessor.com
2. It was the only class that fit in my schedule.
3. I hope he/she won't rant on forever to delay my time to leave.

I am ready, but then I wish I had more time to do other stuff too. I have a pile of laundry that looks like a mini laundry mountain waiting for me to clear up. It's disgusting looking through it, but life goes on right? I hate having/seeing messing stuff. It bugs me, so I have to clean it or fix it. I feel like I am a perfectionist, like everything have to go right or else I'll go psycho. It can be OCD too, oh joy. The many possibilities to distinguishing symptoms.

I am decided if I should go in to get my badge for school or should I wait because I know it's going to be so fureaking packed. I am not ready, but I won't have to worry about parking because I'll either get dropped off or I'll find a parking. I feel the luck that's why. Not really, I would hate to park so far and have to haul myself to my car after a long day of school.

Yes, I am very last but I am not the only one who does this. I am sure other people out there do the same thing. That's what we call life. I am ready and I know God is watching my moves.. He will make sure I am safe and protected all the time.

Who's certified? What what?

I am finally certified for First Aid and CPR. No worries, Nannerz is here if you need. *sike* I am so nervous. I can't imagine actually working on a real person; not that I don't want to, but I hope I don't have to witness and incident like that. It'll leave a scar because of HIPAA; you're not allowed to disclose any information to anyone. After you have helped the person, you won't know what will happen. Only thing you'll know is that you kept them alive for a bit longer.

The past 2 days I've spend almost 24 hours training. I got up at 7 AM yesterday to drop my parents off work then went straight to school. I was there from 8AM - 5PM. Yes, a very very long day. Today, I had training from 7 - 6:30. I was so sleepy; I barely made it through the lecture, which was about four hours long. I am certified for Bloodborne Pathogen Program that I had to sit 2 hours for. I feel very accomplished being in this feel; I really hope this is the right path for me.

Having to do all this stuff and being able to earn all these certificates or even being certified makes me feel really good. I am super excited because I won't just have an regular college ID card, but I'll have a badge meaning I'll be repp'n the MA's. Super exciting; I know there is a lot ahead of me, but I know God is guiding me through secretly showing me the right path.

Day 4 away from Sc2: It feels horrible because I really want to play just a game but I am winning to make a sacrifice so I'll have something better. It's like when people give up things for Lent, but I am giving it up for my future. I want a better future for myself and my future kids. I don't want them to struggle and having to worry about stuff. I am going to work hard, so my kids will have a better life later on.

I wouldn't want to bring them into this beautiful world and not let them have a good life. I want to be a good parent because that will be the greatest accomplish in a lifetime. I am really looking for to starting class and I am already sorta in school mode. I had a really long day today, but I want to take a nap. Maybe I'll just wait till 10pm or 11pm and just sleep till tomorrow.

I met a few of my classmates. I found out one of them have almost the same schedule as me except she's taking one of the classes online and was not able to get into the same class as me. What a funny thing, but I wouldn't be surprised because most of the people in the program are probably going to be in some of my classes. That sounds good to me because I just might as them if they want to study together with me, since we have a similar schedule. ;)

Oh, I'll have to wear scrubs to go to school because they're preparing us in the professional field. Good bye piercings~!

Withdrawal from Sc2. . .

I have never felt this and never really thought I would be so addicted to Starcraft II. I lost track of time from how long I was on that game. I had to put myself to a stop because school is starting soon and I don't want to interfere with my school work. Honestly, I felt really carefree when I was playing Sc2 because I was away from reality. I have to admit I was addicted and I couldn't stop playing. It was to the point where I would forget to eat and push eating aside. Right now, I am suffering from lack of appetite. I know it's not a good thing, but to me right now food is not appealing to me at all.

All that runs though my mind is what I can do to improve my strategies in Sc2. This has got to come to a stop because I need to start thinking about what I want to do with my life and start getting back on school mode. I told myself I will not play Sc2 until winter break, maybe by that time I'll end up being a school nerd. Big accomplishment for me, I haven't been on it for almost 3 days. Not only have I not be on or playing Sc2, I haven't even watched a single youtube video about it. People around me are tempting me to play them, but I know I can resist because I have self control.

I know I am a girl and I love to play games. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean I can have fun on games either. Guys have the skills; girls can have it too. I've have people doubted me playing Sc2 saying I won't be as good as them. It took me less than 2 weeks to figure out strategies to win the game. I spent majority of my time on Sc2. I didn't get much sleep from playing Sc2. This had to come to an end, so I am giving it up for something better. School is my priority right now.

I am putting all my focus is school because it'll lead me to a better future. Playing games will not get me anywhere other than an enjoyment on a free time. I believe God has a lot for me and that's why I choose to be a Medical Assistant. I want to make a difference in someone's life, but if I don't change myself to be a better person. How can I put my hands out and help someone else? Some people may think I am crazy because I was so obsessed with "just a game."

It's okay because they'll never know what I have to go through and what has led me into the path of playing games; to hide from reality. I know we all have to face it and deal with it. We aren't as strong as we think we are. I am human, so I have feelings to. I am not a perfect person, but I push myself to make the best out of everything. When I thought I really wanted to be a Graphic Designer; it seems like God pointed me to what I really need to do. I am ready and I can't complain.

I will try to blog about my experience going through the Medical Assistant program, so I can look back later and reflect on what has happened. :)

Readers.....where?

Thanks to whoever is reading this; that means you actually wonder what goes on and what I go through. Honestly, it makes me feel weird but then I know what I have coming already. This is public and I am ready to meet you all who are interested to share your thoughts or advice with me. I am still new to this blogger site. I know I've made this thing for awhile, but I keep pushing back my updates because I'll end up forgetting or I'll just not be in a blogger mode. Thanks again for reading and commenting.

I have no clue what to write other than my feelings, life, and what's going on with my mind at the moment.

Right now, I am resisting the urge to go play Sc2 because I made myself a promise that I won't go on for a big since school is starting for me. Orientation is tomorrow, training starts Friday, and class officially starts on Monday for me. Am I excited? I have no clue. I am just anxious and worried about what is ahead of me. Worried about how I'll do in this program and what things would be like? I am sure other out there are thinking the same thing.

I am ready for what is coming ahead of me. Keep my heads up and embrace what I will have yet to be close to. . .

Thanks for reading. If a stranger stumbles by, please let me know how I can improve my blog. Remember follow, comment, and enjoy reading. I will return the favor. :)

Not Ready

I've been trying to drown myself from reality, which isn't a good idea because knowing we live in it. We all have to face it, but then there are just some things that I wish would just go smoothly. It's life, there is nothing we can do other than change it or improve it to be better. I know things happen for a reason and we should learn how to deal with it, but it's really hard when you don't know how to deal with it. I've an abnormal sleep schedule. It's to the point where I can pull a all nighter and probably not sleep for days. I think I'll still manage, I feel like sleep is not important anymore with all the stuff that's going on in my mind.

I have training at the school this Thursday and Friday for my program. I feel kind of anxious and nervous at the same time. I don't know what is going to happen, who would be there, and what it would be like. It's always the same questions that keeps flowing through my mind. I keep asking myself stuff that I can't even answer or do at this point. I've been telling myself that I do need to get back on my sleep schedule because I have morning class. I've been trying to motivate myself to change my study habits and do all the stuff I can to improve my lifestyle. It actually seems harder than you think.

I don't know where to start, but I am trying my best to cope with all the stress I have in my life before school starts. I know chances don't come often, but if I mess up again. I don't know what would happen. We all make mistakes and that's how we learn from it. I am not afraid to admit that at some point in life I didn't bother trying or just didn't put enough effort into something. I know if you're passionate about something, you would try your best to do everything you can to achieve it. I've seen it happen through many people, but I just can't imagine myself achieving something that's really important.

The struggles in life really shapes who you are, but sometimes it would just make you a stronger person. Also, I remember someone saying, "If you don't take better care of yourself, how can you take care of someone you love?" That's one thing, I'll always remember because I feel like I am don't care about myself as much as I care about others. I should learn how to put myself first before someone else. This might sound selfish or what not, but referring back to that quote, it actually makes sense.

As many say, "Life is full of many wonders and surprises." I am not ready, but I will try my best to endure what is coming ahead of me.

Feeling insonamic...

I haven't been able to sleep. Its like my sleeping schedule took a 360 degree spin all of a sudden. I don't get tired until like...6am - 8am in the morning. And lack of sleep screws up with your memory and everything else you have to do. You'll be less concentrated, not only that you feel like you need to bum around. At least that's for me. I am eating less, but then my body tells me I have to at least something. It's to the point where my mind is out of control.

Advice: Try to get all the sleep you can, while you can because when you can't get any sleep you'll be regretting in.

I need to change this bad sleeping schedule back to normal. Anyways, I still don't understand how people can have a "set time" for time to eat. As for me, I eat when I am hungry or when I feel like it. Sometimes I'll forgot and I never know what time I eat. I know it's bad, but it's really not intentional.

I just get so caught up when I am doing something, I'll end up forgetting what I am doing. Like today, I don't even remember half of what I did. Lol, this is very sad. Lately, I've been really addicted to Starcraft II(SC2). Yes, it just came out. I had no idea how to play it, but I am getting the hang of it. Hopefully when school starts my gaming mode will be in cave mode. I really miss school and can't wait till it starts.

I feel like playing games isn't very productive, even though it's so much fun I just can't help it. I have another week and school starts for me. (Yay?!) There's still so much things I need to do before school starts....I can start doing it by stop playing SC2 so much. Lol

Indecisive much?

Now I am sitting here questioning myself....did I pick the wrong field? Is the field I chose going to be the right one for me? Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life or am I just doing it so others will be happy? Theses things has been running in my mind constantly. Right now, I am in the Medical Assistant program. A few months ago, I was decided to apply for the Graphic Design program and only about 30 people/students will get accepted each year. I printed out the application almost all the stuff I needed to complete the packet, then I thought to myself. What makes me better than the rest of the other applicants?

I mean I enjoy playing with photoshop, doing some web designing, and just drawing. I will admit...I am not the best in any of those, but I'd love to learn more because when you're passionate about something you'll do everything you can to have a grasp on it. I told myself, I shouldn't apply because you'll probably only have a good decent paying job. 1) if you're really good in the field 2) if you're experienced and someone likes your work. This would probably go towards any art field because art is indescribable. It's a piece of work where you'll think it's your best but someone else thing it's just any other work.

I was very excited about apply for it, but something else changed my mind. For now, I just want a stable job and something that's enough for me to live off. I don't need to be luxurious or high demand sort of deal. I decided to apply for Medical Assistant program. The funny thing is, I thought I wouldn't be able to get in because my GPA isn't the greatest, but I got in. I was really happy to know that some day I'll be making a difference in someones life or actually putting a smile on their face. The idea of being able to help or make someone happy makes my heart smile.

I just hope what I chose, I will not regret. I am mostly worried about getting through the program and actually being on the work field. That's probably one thing that frightens me the most, but if you're passionate about something anything s possible. One thing that bugs me the most is being so indecisive.

Seasonal Blogger?

Woah, I just checked my last post; it's been 2 months since I've updated this thing. I keep mentioning that I'll try to keep up with it but it's really hard with so much going on. Actually, I am on the computer, but I just couldn't make the initiation to update just a little post. I mean, I don't even think anyone reads this and if whoever did. They'll probably stop following me since I barely update this thing. I don't even think I have any followers or frequent readers, hence why I never update. I don't really care if anyone reads this or follow me or w/e you call it. I am updating to look back on later, since I know I have the worst memory.

I should really do like a daily blog to just write about my day, feelings, or random thoughts. I know for sure I'll be laughing at myself when I read this later on but for now here is what I'll write. :)

I'm back

I just got back from vacation a few days ago, can't really call it a vacation but it was sure relaxing. I am slowly getting back into school mode. I was gone for a almost a week and so much happened, can't believe it. That means, I got a lot of stuff to catch up on and etc. That's what I've been doing other than studying for my exams.

Exams are like back and forth. Almost every week I either have a quiz or a exam coming. Why did I pick such a hard major? or Why couldn't I decide earlier what I wanted to do? A lot of people I know have a set mind on what they wanna do as soon as they go to college. As for me, it took me quite a while deciding what I really wanna do with my life.

There's just so much options and stuff to look for. I keep asking myself how do people work at places for years or even 5+ years. I am just worried I'll pick the wrong thing and then get bored of it. I don't want to regret my decisions, but then everyone makes mistakes. I am trying my best to get everything together because I want a good future, not for me but maybe for my future kids.

I want to have better things for my kids later on. I wouldn't want to see them struggling or stressing like me. I want them to be able to enjoy what I couldn't enjoy because I was either working hard or just sitting around doing nothing. Like, updating this blog. Failed.

I already got my fall schedule, it's gonna be so weird because the classes I need to take are only offered at a certain time. I hope things will work out. I promise I will update more often, but it's not like anyone even bother reading this except for myself. lol. I'll come back in a few days, months, or years. I'll say to myself, what the hell was I thinking?

Stress

I realized that I start class again next week. I barely even got a week off, blah. I want more time off, but then I would lack a lot of info that I was suppose to intake. Lol, I guess I am kind of excited for class, feels like a daily routine for me. I am ready. Summer classes are going to go by so fast, so no time can be wasted. Must spend all the time I can to do good. Schools like my full-time job, can't fail on it. I know these 5, 8, or 10 weeks are going to go by pretty fast. The next thing I know finals are gonna hit me in the face. I must prepare myself better, so I'll do better and feel good about myself. I can't keep thinking I'll get lucky each time and hope I pass. That's will surely not work.

I've been trying out new things, like planning out my bills, school, and life. I don't want to be like last minute doing everything. I don't want to procrastinate because there will be so much time wasted doing stuff that's irrelevant. I wish I had a job, but then that would affect my schoolwork. It'll be hard to worry about class and work. I guess I should be glad I don't have to work. Only things I worry about is paying my bills, by that I mean like C.c bills. I am sure many of us are in debt; its just a matter of fact how much we're in debt. Only time will tell. I must save some money for a car or at least have some when I really need it.

I've made huge progress because I am actually updating. I haven't been playing MapleStory as much as I thought I was. I guess it's about time that I am actually tired of that game. I mean, I'll go on once in a while and etc but then it's just not the same anymore. It's been like almost 5 years on and off, and I think it's about time I am tired of it. I keep going back to it knowing I'll end up getting bored of it. why? I have no clue, it's so time consuming where I can do other stuff such as clean, read, and just play with the dogs. Must do something more productive. Can't lie, but I am starting to feel like a nerd. My friend keeps saying it, but I don't think its true. Hehe.

Time to continue my day with something more productive. :)

Updates

I am finally done with "Finals." Class is over, not for long though because I have summer classes that is starting in about one week from. Not really sure, if I should be excited for it. I know it's going to be a lot harder, since its condensed to 5 week. That means everything is doubled. I am still waiting to hear back from the MA program. Hopefully, I'll get in. Also, I need to get up GPA if I am still thinking about Nursing school. It's going to be a lot more competitive. I will try my best and if I don't make it, it gives me the self satisfaction that I worked hard.

I've been a bookworm lately. Everything I go to Borders, I'll always get a book. Friends keep telling me all these good books. Soon my room will be like a personal library. I'll have to admit, I do enjoy reading on my spare time. I am tired of wasting times on games, its not like I'll not play anymore. I guess it kinda nice sometimes. I enjoy buying collection books because it's so much cheaper and if I finish one book, I won't have to wait for the next. I must control myself to not get anymore until I am finished with what I have. It's really hard when Borders is always sending me coupons. It's really hard to resist when it's such a good deal.

I passed all my classes this term, but I know I can try harder and do much much better. I am going to cut myself from Maplestory beacuse it's too much. It requires too much time and I think I am getting too old to play. Kids on there are so annoying. I realized how I am maturing because the littlest things are starting to get to me. It used to be so blinded to me because I was probably just like that. Looking back now....I realized a lot have changed. I am pretty happy with who I am today.

I must look forward and work harder. The greatest achievement in life is "trying" because it make you feel "satisfied." Well, at least for me it does. :)

Lack of updates.

Blogger told me last time I updated this blog was on March 26 and today it's May 11th. I am for sure not a dedicated blogger. Lol, HEY! you gotta give me props for at least trying to update this thing. It's really not my fault that I am overwhelmed with school, family, and school. Yeah, pretty much blame it all on school. It occupies almost 20 hours of my day because there is just so much to do, and you wonder where that 4 hour goes? Maybe eat or do stuff for the family.

Indeed, there is no time for myself. I try to make time for myself, but with all the homework load its very very hard. Summer is coming and I have no idea what I am going to do. All I know is that I am going to register for summer classes. Maybe after that get away before fall term starts? Who knows? I have like NY/PA, CA, and FL in mind. It really depends on where ever is cheaper, but we know H O M E will be the cheapest.

I think I really need myself a mini vacation. I am starting to feel like a walking stress bomb that will exploded anytime, but I am not sure when. When that happens, its not very good. I seem to be able to endure quite a lot before that will happen, but it just get to the point where people are trying to mess with my buttons or keep lighting a flame to the bomb. It's like a time bomb with XXX amount of time. I'll never know, until it happens.

This is enough for now, I need to catch up on my homework. Sleep misses me, so I need to work on making time for it. :)

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Stressed

I am stressed to the max. I am loosing track of everything....I forgot where I last leave things. I'll end up going crazy looking for it. When I can't find it..I feel like I can't sleep because I didn't find it. My brain is telling me I need to find it, so I can go lay down. There's so much going on right now, I don't even know where to start. I have never felt this stressed before. I am stress to the point, where I want to just cry but it's not like anything is going to change. Everything will just be the same, unless I do something about it. I am trying everything I can right now....I have school to worry about, the family, the dogs, and more crap. Why do us humans have to go through so much? I know this is life, but still why can't life seem a little more smooth on my side of the world.

I only wish things were like before, why is everything going so bad? I just want to relax and enjoy myself. I feel like no one understands me and its hard to even talk to someone about my problems. One, They'll probably think I am crazy. Two, They may just think I am some kinda worry wart. Three, who knows maybe they aren't even trying at all. I know, I can be crazy at times but that's me. There is nothing I can change, I've done enough for everyone...Maybe its time for me to start thinking for myself. I find that very selfish if I do, why should I even put others first? Do they even put me first? There are so many questions that I can't even answer and probably no one can answer.

All human beings are born to be selfish and only care about themselves. Why can't people think in another perspective? I don't even know anymore...I've been trying my best to do school, house stuff, and deal with the dogs. Right now, I am at the point of exploding. I feel like a time bomb....

Puppy Pup

Here is Lucky, the new addition to the family. He is 3 months old now and he's a pure breed Samoyed with AKC papers. I've been wanting to update, but it seems like I am pretty busy with school and not two dogs. My other dog, which is about 1 year and something old is a Mutt. He a American EskiPOO, but he is very smart and cute too. Lucky has been doing pretty well, but training him will be tough. I am either telling them to stop fighting or trying to get my work done slowly. I don't get how people can have multiple dogs. I am sure they have more times on their hands than I do. Lol. This time we did a lot of research and my brother has been looking for a lil pure breed Samoyed. When I am far away, I see Lucky and Sky together; I can't seem to tell them apart. Sky looked just like lucky when he was a puppy, but Lucky is a little chunkier than Sky. They are both very smart dogs, but I guess its just about the time you spend training him and how much effort you put into it.

I hope they will get along soon and become the bestest friend. Lucky will be 10x bigger than Sky, since he's a large breed and they will sure grow super fast. I am worried sometimes about who's going to wrestle him and hold him down. Dogs are descendents from wolf, so they have to have a "Alpha" who will be in charge of the pack. I keep telling my brother; you are going to be the one wrestling him and telling him who's the boss. When he's about 50lbs+ I can no longer take him down because he's going to be a very strong dog and he would be very dominant.

That's it for this entry, I will try to keep updated or posted. :)

Wonders of Life...

Life is just too precious to just take for granted. A lot of people may not realize it, but it really is precious. Every moment lived or steps taken leaves a mark in your life. Whether you did something good or bad, it will mark you. Unfortunately, yesterday I attended my best friend mom's funeral. RIP, we all miss you. The speech that the pastor gave was just remarkable, its too hard to just put into words right now. He made me realize how important it is to live life to the fullest. Of course, there will be mistakes but that's how we learn; we learn from the mistakes we make in life and try to improve ourselves. At least, that's how I am. This was the first funeral service I've attending, and lets hope I don't have to for another years from now. My friend and I was taking about how half of the people, who showed up was only because of "guilt".

What I want most right now is to build a better connection with God. Over the past years, I've realized how silly I've been and not taken my life seriously. I want to be able to read the bible more because I want to learn more about what God has left for us. His creation is something that can't be explained. Everything he's done for us had a reason to it. I am going to find a church nearby my house and hopefully make it every Sunday and learn more about the gospels in the bible. I want to be able to reconnect with God. It has been something that I've thought about for a long time. I want to be able to open my heart to God and just have him lead me to the right way of life.

Right now, I feel so clueless. There are so much things I am going through right now and the only person I can really trust right now is God. I am sure he will lead me to the right way and I am here to follow what he has in hand for me. I will try my best to do everything I can, but if I dont succeed. I'll at least know I've tried my best. The greatest accomplishment is to at least "try" and give something a chance. I just want to have a better bond with God. Some people may not think the same way I do. It's okay because that's how life is suppose to be. I want to be able to put a smile on someones face and hopefully share with them my experiences. It may not be the best, but that is what makes "me". The person, who I am today was formed from all the past memories and mistakes...

I know, I may not have the right choice of words to say but I am trying my best to improve myself and hopefully have a better interpretation of what I really want to say.

RIP. Kim, We all miss you very much. Thanks for sharing and helping me with all the stuff I needed. I am glad, I've met you and Mikayla. Thanks again!

Business..

I thought doing something in the Business field would be something that i wanted to do rather than Graphic Design. After, taking like two classes of it makes me think twice about it again. I am still indecisive about what I want to major. I still want to lean towards the medical field, maybe I can't be a nurse or a doctor, but I still want to be able to work in the field. Right now, I am thinking about getting into the Medical Assistant program. I know, it's not anything like nursing, but it would give me the opportunity to experience it. If i like it, maybe I'll eventually get a nursing degree. Who knows? I hope I can get in the program though. This term I am only taking three classes, but it's already so hard.

I am worried that one of these days that I wont be able to make it through the term. With my parents, bugging me all the time about helping them and stuff. I find that I barely even have time for myself, I know I can be selfish and just say "no" to them, but I just can't do it. After all, they are family. I told myself I needed to pick some easy classes, but I didnt realize how stressful marketing and accounting can be. I mean, I took accounting in HS and it wasnt that bad. I guess the only difference is that, I am taking it online as opposed to taking it in class. I really enjoy how much freedom and time that I have. That doesnt cut it though.

I'll just feel more rejected from society. My life is so unsocial, its like I have nothing going on. I go to school, physical therapy, chiro, and home. What kinda life is this? I'll stay home as much as I can unless I have to go outs to run some errands. Soon, I feel that I will be anti social, or whatever you call that. I have friends, but I just dont feel like hanging out with them. People are just so fake these days. It's really hard to even tell who's true and fake, since they are so disguised. I dont even think that made sense.

Well, back to homework. Gotta think of products and more products. Then, more math and math and math. It goes on and on....

Two years already..

Two years ago, I met you online. This is the day we both made it official. It fascinates me, how long it has been. It really doesn't feel that long. Who would of thought that this would last so long and actually turn out to something so unbelievable? Everything happened so fast, but yet everything is so memorable. All those times, we've spent together leaves a great big chunk of memory. Even though, we can't see each other as much as we want, but I know one day we'll be together in each others arms. Holding on tight, and not letting go...

After all, we've been though a lot. I remember, whenever people ask us how we met or where did we meet? My mind would usually be blank because at that point I was afraid to tell them we met online through a "game". I am really happy that we've met, and how you've been by my side unconditionally. Right now, at this point, I really don't care what people think. What really matters is ....what we think of each other. I can't wait till I move, so we can be closer to each other. I've learned a lot and grew a lot stronger, myself. I don't even know, if you're reading this even though you said you wouldn't. If you're, I will or would make me feel really embarrassing for typing this up. Honestly, I feel really happy because every time we see each other or chat with each other. I feel like I am always learning something new and more about you.

One more year, lets hope that my braces will come off. The only thing that's keeping us apart is my braces, but I know we will make it. I can't wait till I have straight teeth cause then I'll be smiling and cheesing all the time. People will probably think I am some kind of freak or weirdo, but I know I'll be super happy. By that time, hopefully I'll have a major declared or even close to finishing up a degree. Right now, I am trying my best to do good in school, so i'll make you and my family proud. I slacked off once, but that wont happen again because lesson learned. I will try my best to do good in school and try to make better use of time. Anyways, this sounds really cheesy. I'll have to update this another time...:)

Reading Twilight.

I've seen both "Twilight and New moon movie". I'll have to admit, the book is WAY better than the movie. I finally got the chance to purchase the whole "Saga Collection". That's all I've been doing, either homework, reading about homework stuff, or reading Twilight. I just finished reading the first book today then I watched the movie again, and I'll still say the book was better. They cut out so many parts in the movie, especially all the good parts.

Actions are not more than words, I think that's a lie. The book is so good, so I am now reading New Moon, which is the 2nd book to the saga collection. I am looking forward to finishing it and reading the two books. I heard "Eclipse" was going to be so much better, besides I wanna finish the book before the movie comes out. Don't we all wish life was like a fairytale. Having nothing to worry about, and just enjoying all the time you have with the loved ones. Twilight has been a pretty good book so far, it keeps me up and makes me want to read on to see what happens.

It has been exactly two weeks, since school has started. Time is flying or passing by so fast. Soon there will be finals, and then the term will be over. I've been studying like no other day. I want to do good this term and maintain a good GPA. Isn't that what all college students want? I sometimes wondering how people manage to keep a 4.0 in college. I'll have to say it is pretty hard, unless you're some genius who knows everything. I mean, like 4.0 for like 4 straight years of college. That is insane! I tell you... So far, I think I am doing okay. My two online classes has been alright. Its hard not having my accounting book, but I try to get all the help I can. Thanks to the internet and the people helping me get through it.

I am alone, alone in this world. The closest thing I'll have is my brother, since we're blood related. The other day, when I driving my dad gave me the "lecture". No no, its nothing bad. He just rant on about how family is very important and how we need to stick by each other no matter what. Haven't I done enough for this family? I practically gave up so much and it seems to me like they don't even understand. I can't be around forever doing everything for them. I am trying so hard juggling school and family. It's at the point, where I only eat one meal a day or I'll just eat when I have a headache or stomach is growling. I know, its unhealthy for me.

Ever since, the car accident. I feel like things has changed a lot. I am almost always pre-occupied by school, home, physical therapy or chiropractic. I feel like I dont have time for ANYTHING, why can't I start being selfish and think for myself? Nope, that's never going to happen because I'm Nancy. I have to stop putting others first, its like where is my anger and rebellious mode? I've tried so many times to get mad or just let it out, but it's just so hard. I don't need anyone to see or know what I have to go through. I am sure there are a lot more people suffering harder than I am right now. I have no rights to complain, but all I can do is just rant on this blog.

Should I start caring who reads this? I might just be a stranger and they'll never find out who I am. I am very annoyed with my life right now. I feel so much pressure in my life and I am always worried about something. People need to stop relying on me because I can't be here forever and I can't always do everything for you. I pushed myself to the point, where I'll eventually explode on someone. I know, I am not perfect and no one is born perfect. I am trying really hard.....please make this pain go away....

Lacking Updates.

I know, I said I would update this everyday, but it's really hard. I am a full time student this term, and I am overwhelmed with homework and have to make time to study. Class, just started for about a week, and no one can I just start slacking. I didn't do as good as I expected last term, so this term I've been changing some of my study habits. I feel that, I am more organized this term and actually making time to study and do things correctly. Well, I am actually trying really hard to maintain a good GPA. I can't take my Scholarship for granted, so I must work hard.

The classes, I am taking this term are Accounting, Marketing, and Math. That's right! No writing, so I feel that I am lacking grammar. Lol, hopefully next term I'll be able to fit a writing class in because I wouldn't want my writing skills to be rusty. The classes are actually pretty hard this term. I am thinking about majoring in Business, but taking there classes makes me feel so stressed out. I don't even know if I wanna do it anymore. I know I can do it, if I put a lot of effort and try my best. Anything can be do, if you try. Right?

I thought I wanted to major in "Graphic Design". The program I wanted to get into was actually restricted, so pretty much I had to draw and research on the career. I got half of the stuff done, and then I questioned myself, "Do I want to do this for the rest of my life?". We all know, you'll only get a good job and make lots of money, if you're really good in the subject. I have never taken anything related to it, but I used to play around with HTML and Photoshop. I actually had a lot of fun doing it. I am just not too sure, if i want to do that for the rest of my life.

I am a perfectionist. I hate making mistakes, so I push myself very hard to get things right. Sometimes I'll just be lazy, but when I do something...I HAVE to get it right or else I'll just keep trying and trying until it works. Everything has to look right too, if it doesn't I just rearrange everything until I feel like its right. I feel like there is something wrong with me sometimes. Lately, I've been feeling nocturnal. It's to the point where I have to finish everything I need to do before I can sleep. Is this like some kind of disorder? Who knows....

I promised I would update this everday, but with the schedule I have now it's really hard to stick to. I will try my best to update every few days or once a week.

Hello 2010! GoodBye 2009! :)

Happy New Year! I can't believe it's 2010 already...its like what happened to 2009? Everything seems or feels like a blur to me. Time flew by... but its a brand new start for me and everyone else. I guess I am kind of looking forward to a new year. Who knows? Will this year be better than last? I have no idea, we'll just have to see how it goes.

For me, the day didn't start out so good. I woke up in the middle of the night with some major headache. I think it's because i left Twilight Audio playing all night long. That might of affect me. Weird. I woke up to the sound of my brother opening the garage door. The next thing I heard was a little kid screaming. In my head, I was like...UGH no way. I was pretty annoyed; not that I don't like kids, but I have my limits. I opened the door and the next thing I heard was this little girl saying "HIIII AUNTIE NANCY". As for me, I kept walking towards the bathroom. That was totally not a good wake up call.

Mom has been working for two days and no one's been cooking at home. I decided to go out and get some food. I tried to take sky in the car, but he kept jumping around. I drove around the block and dropped him off at home. When I got home to put him away, I felt all hot and sweaty, so i took my jacket off. Not realizing my wallet was in there, I left the house without my wallet. I had gotten the keys to the house though. I drove to the restaurant, where I wanted to get food at. That was the time, where I realized that I didnt have my wallet. If i had to drive home, it would be been 30 minutes back and forth.

I was only short about 50 cents, since my brother gave me 6 bucks to get food. I ran out to my car hoping there was change, but NOPE. I didn't realize the car door was locked because I thought I had pushed the button before I ran out. Apparently, I didn't because as soon as I pulled the lock handle of the car. My car alarm started going off. I was freaking out pushing all the buttons on my car remote. NONE OF THEM WORKED. The alarm went off for about 5-7 minutes. The worst thing is having people walk by....thinking I am some kind of car thief.

I waited for the car to stop, and drove off to get some money. I realized, how much noise it made everything i opened the door of the car. I had to wait for it to stop before i can even go anywhere, which really really sucks. My clumsy self; forgot my wallet. I drove home in a decent speed, but there was so many cars. Luckily, I made home safe. This is probably the 3rd time I forgot my wallet at home. This time I was actually ordering food...with NO MONEY. How sad can that be?

I really hope my brother would go with me to get the car fixed. School starts on Tuesday for me and I am flat broke until then. Car is almost low on gas, and bills are waiting to be paid. I'll update this again soon, next entry will probably be about school. If I dont forget to update...